Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
