last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
