Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They are going to name an STD after you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
