I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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