Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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