ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We have started to decorate penises.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
