When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
