so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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