My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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