I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
