I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
