1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
