new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize