I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
