I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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