I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I did not marry a roomba.
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