I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
