My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
