One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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