I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
