Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
