i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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