My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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