Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
