Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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