never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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