I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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