At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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