do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
