rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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