In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
