she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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