he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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