Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just forgot I was standing up.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
