Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
