So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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