According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We just shotgunned beers for America
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
