i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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