apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
