Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
