I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
