I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
