Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
