I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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