Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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