I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
