12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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