Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
