i think my mom watched the whole time
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The feeling are messing with the penis
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
