I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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