i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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