The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
