I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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