i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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