If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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